


Drabble Collection: Barisi

by ColorMeRed



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. - Freeform, Drabble Collection, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Rafael Barba - Freeform, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2018-09-27 05:44:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9978965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColorMeRed/pseuds/ColorMeRed
Summary: A ongoing collection of various length drabbles focused on Barisi.Some ficlets are based on episodes, while others are loosely adapted. Then some are just a thing in and of themselves.





	1. Frowns and Monitors

**Author's Note:**

> Sonny gets shot, Barba is frowning, and they might have broken a heart monitor. 
> 
>  
> 
> Please note: These ficlets are unedited, so please forgive the mistakes I've missed.

Sonny had been shot.

 

He had been shot and he remembered how much it hurt.

 

He also remembered thinking about Barba.

 

Sonny remembered thinking about Rafael, he remembered seeing his face in his head, remembered seeing it frowning slightly, because that’s all Barba ever did was frown. That aggravated Carisi, he didn’t know why, but he just thought that the selfish bastard could at least give him a tiny smile in his dying moments. Sonny had always wanted to see Rafael smile, he had wanted to watch his lips part and his eyes crinkle at the sides and his face light up. Sonny didn’t think that was too much to ask for. He wasn’t greedy, Sonny was a simple guy with simple wants.

 

But even he had to admit that it was a little odd.

 

Sonny didn’t think anyone else wanted Barba to smile.

 

Sonny didn’t think anyone else cared enough about Rafael to want to see him smile instead of frown. He figured most people thought Barba was such a miserable and rude person that he deserved to frown. Sonny grimaced at that, he didn’t like seeing Barba frown. He was rather obsessed with wanting him to smile. Carisi thought that Rafael deserved to smile, that he deserved to be happy and to laugh until he couldn’t breathe and to be held close and comforted and loved.

 

Sonny wanted to love Rafael.

 

Sonny wasn’t sure if Rafael wanted to be loved though.

 

Carisi closed his eyes at the headache that was approaching and sighed softly, frowning at the annoying beeping that echoed throughout the room because his sister refused to mute the monitor and he growled. Sonny started to wiggle, rolling over and reaching toward it, his large hand only inches away when a voice floating through the room stopped him.

 

His blue eyes went wide.

 

“Didn’t your mother teach you not to play with things that aren’t yours?”

 

Sonny turned to look at Barba.

 

He was frowning.

 

Sonny swallowed.

 

Rafael cocked a brow and continued into the room, sitting silently into the chair beside Sonny’s bed.

 

“Hey…” Carisi fumbled over his words, settling back into the bed, forgetting the monitor. “Hey Counselor.”

 

Green eyes flickered up to blue.

 

“Hello, Detective Carisi.” Barba allowed. “How are you feeling?”

 

Sonny cocked his head, confusion clear on his face.

 

Barba’s frown deepened.

 

“Does my presence in the room displease you this much?” Rafael hummed.

 

Sonny reacted quickly to that, too quickly.

 

“N-no! No no.” He blabbered out, reaching out a hand as if to stop Rafael from getting up and leaving.

 

Sonny felt like an idiot.

 

“No, you’re fine. I’m just….” Sonny seemed to think for words. “I’m just surprised to see you here. I didn’t expect you as a visitor.” He laughed out.

 

Barba frowned even deeper and narrowed his eyes.

 

“Why would that be?”

 

Sonny gulped, he heard something beeping loudly in the background.

 

He ignored it.

 

“Well….you…you’re just not very fond of me, you know?” Sonny muttered softly.

 

Rafael looked at him, cocking his head and crossing his legs.

 

Sonny tried not to stare.

 

Barba looked great.

 

He looked fantastic actually. His normally vivid suit was gone and in its place, was a pair of elegant black jeans and suit vest, which was fit snugly over a tucked in burgundy dress shirt. Sonny was sure he’d never make enough money to afford the dark brown leather shoes that shined brightly against the harsh hospital lights and the belt looked like it probably cost as much as Sonny's hospital bill. Barba’s hair was nicely messed, a few stray spikes standing here and there and Sonny was jealous it still looked so wonderfully professional.

 

Sonny blinked when he noticed Rafael raise his brows, his green eyes curious.

 

Crap.

 

Sonny heard more beeping, it was louder and faster.

 

Barba was staring and Sonny swallowed.

 

“You honestly think I don’t like you, Detective?” Barba asked, grabbing Carisi’s attention again.

 

Sonny sputtered.

 

“We-well it’s just, I didn’t mean it bad or anything, it-“ Sonny heard more beeping and it was so loud and fast and he wanted whatever it was to shut up.

 

Barba leaning forward shut Sonny up.

 

“Carisi, I happen to be very fond of you.” Rafael said.

 

Sonny froze and stared.

 

“When Liv called and told me you were shot, I came down right away.” He said, his green eyes shining with something Sonny couldn’t place. “I’ve been waiting to see you for a while now.”

 

Sonny nodded dumbly.

 

“So you don’t hate me?” Sonny asked.

 

Barba actually looked shocked.

 

“Why would you think that?”

 

Sonny looked away, staring at his feet.

 

“You always seem to get aggravated with me, and you never smile.”

 

Barba’s brows practically shot to his hairline.

 

Crap.

 

“I-I mean,” Sonny growled and whipped around when he heard the beeping get to the point of ear shattering.

 

 _Crap_.

 

Barba watched Carisi, a slim hand resting over his mouth.

 

Sonny felt his face grow impossibly red and he wanted so badly to shoot that damn monitor.

 

Rafael watched him and waited.

 

“You really don’t hate me?”

 

Barba sighed and stood, walking over to Sonny and leaning down.

 

Sonny was pretty sure the monitor broke.

 

He was still when Barba pressed a kiss to his lips, it was soft and gentle and perfect, and Sonny had closed his eyes without realizing it, and he might have whined a little when Barba pulled away. He might have whined when Barba pulled away smiling.

 

“No Detective, I do not hate you.”

 

Sonny stared at that soft smile, so small and sweet and kind and it reflected in those green eyes and Sonny smiled back. He smiled a big, goofy, dimpley grin and Carisi grabbed at Barba’s vest and pulled him back down.

 

“I like your smile, you should wear it more often.” Carisi hummed.

 

Rafael chuckled against his mouth when Sonny kissed him, the monitor beeping so fast you could barely tell each heartbeat apart. Barba pulled away when Sonny broke for air and cocked a brow at the nurses that came busting into the room, panting and looking very much out of sorts. Sonny’s face grew redder and the monitor beeped faster and Barba smiled bigger.


	2. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barba tells Sonny he loves him, in his own complicated Barba way.  
> Sonny is just happy he says it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still figuring Barisi out, they're so fun to write, but difficult. Once again, this is unedited work, so please forgive anything that has been missed.

“The idea of the fall…”

 

Sonny’s ears perked up, his eyes narrowing in mild confusion.

 

“The idea of what?” Carisi asked, a curious smile stretching his lips as he leaned against the counter.

 

Barba swallowed hard and looked up to Sonny with such a look of fear that it took Sonny’s breath away.

 

He had never seen Barba scared.

 

It kind of scared Sonny.

 

“The idea of falling,” Rafael said again, fidgeting with his glass of wine. “It’s an assessment on love.”

 

Instead of breathing Sonny swallowed this time, he swallowed a big gulp of wine.

 

Then another.

 

And then the whole glass.

 

They had never said that word, neither of them. It was almost like a profanity, or that’s feeling Sonny had picked up from Barba ever since they had begun their…..whatever it was they began. To say Carisi was shocked and horrified and had no idea how to respond was an understatement.

 

Rafael continued, his body tense and stiff, Sonny noted absentmindedly.

 

“It is falling in love. Falling.” Rafael looked down to his glass.

 

Sonny cocked his head, trying very hard to keep up with Rafael’s broken words, but having trouble due to the fact that he felt as if he had been verbally punched in the stomach with a wrecking ball.

 

“We don't say "rising into love." There is in it the idea of the fall. The fact that we think of love as such a risk that it could be considered falling. The idea of falling in love is the risk of diving off of the edge of sanity and into madness, all for the sake of a single person.” Barba almost whispered, his voice losing its volume the more he spoke.

 

Sonny was taken aback by Rafael, so suddenly timid and shy and unsure and Sonny was sure he caught a hint of confusion. Carisi put his glass down and walked around the counter.

 

“Rafi?” Sonny ventured.

 

“I’m so scared of falling, Sonny.” Rafael suddenly said, leaving Dominick speechless again. “I’m so scared of falling and not being able to get back up if the fall is in vain.”

 

Sonny’s brows furrowed.

 

“But…” Rafael let out broken little huff, or maybe it was a really pitiful laugh.

 

Sonny wasn’t sure at this point.

 

Carisi gave Rafael a gentle smile when the smaller man looked up at him.

 

“But I’m already falling and now I’m scared I’m going to hit the ground.”

 

Sonny froze, stock still and eyes wide, his mind connecting the dots. He stared at Rafael for a long moment, taking in the other man. He seemed so tiny right then and there, almost as if expecting a vicious rebuttal or violence for his softly spoken words. Sonny wondered what kind of lovers Rafael had had in the past for him to be so afraid of Carisi’s reaction. He wondered what on earth Barba could have been put through to be this scared to love someone.

 

“Rafael,”

 

For once the lawyer refused to make eye contact, his sad green eyes staring into his wine glass. Sonny reached out and gently pulled his face up, Sonny’s blue eyes bright and his smile kind and sure. As Sonny looked at Rafael, it didn’t take him long to make up his mind. It didn’t even take a full minute for him to decide that falling wasn’t so bad and it shouldn’t be done alone.

 

“Don’t worry about when you hit the ground,” Sonny said softly. “You got me to cushion the impact.”

 

Rafael looked at him silently for a long time, his eyes bright and his expression shocked, then a smile broke his face and his eyes crinkled at the sides with laughter. Sonny smiled back, all dimples and happy and he kissed Barba’s forehead softly, then his nose, and then his mouth, licking at parting lips and tasting the ridiculously priced wine they had been enjoying this evening. He slipped his tongue inside and swallowed Barba’s moan much more readily than he had the alcohol. He wrapped his arms around the smaller man, his long limbs circling around the lawyer and pulling him close. Sonny decided he could not only take the fall with Rafael, but would do so willingly, happily, and Carisi would make sure that when they found the ground, Sonny would hit first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much cheesy cheese and I have zero regrets.  
> Note that this idea came from Alan Watts lecture on love.  
> 


	3. Why Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A honest question and a honest answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the prompt 'Why Me' 'Because you saw me when I was invisible.'

Sonny was staring.

 

He knew he was staring and he knew it was weird.

 

He also didn’t really care.

 

He knew it would eventually catch Rafael’s attention, however at the moment the lawyer had his nose buried in case files, a recent scandal had opened up a hell storm of problems and a lengthy court battle. Barba had his hands full and had been submerged in his work for the entire evening, now it was almost ten o’clock and Sonny was getting tired.

 

Sonny was getting tired and he knew Rafael was beyond exhausted.

 

Carisi kept watching Rafael and he rested his chin in his hands, his eyes falling some as he gazed at what he considered lovely eye candy. Rafael was perched on the counter bar stool, his food only half eaten and his wine bottle bone dry. Barba was still in his work clothes, save for the missing jacket and tie, and his suspenders were hanging forgotten by his hips. He had his pale purple dress shirt partly undone, his collar bones jutting out and seemingly taunting Sonny.

 

Or so Sonny thought.

 

Sonny kept staring, taking in every inch of the smaller man before him, his narrowed green eyes and his messy hair, his softly shaking hand, because when Barba didn’t eat enough he started to shake, and his always perfect posture. Sonny smiled softly, dimples just starting to form when Rafael finally looked up. He blinked a few times, as if just realizing where he was and who he was with. Barba cocked his head at Sonny’s grin and a smirk pulled at the corners of his own mouth.

 

“What are you smiling at?”

 

Sonny smiled bigger, dimples on full display.

 

“Nothing.”

 

Barba rolled his eyes.

 

“Really, now,” He muttered. “You’re just sitting there with that goofy grin on your face just because you can?”

 

Sonny cocked a brow.

 

“It’s not illegal Rafi, I’m allowed to smile if I’m happy.”

 

Rafael seemed to jump at that, his head shooting back up to look at Sonny.

 

Blue eyes gazed into curious green.

 

“Are you happy?” Rafael asked, putting his pen down and resting his arms against the counter.

 

Sonny laughed softly.

 

“Of course I’m happy, I’m with you aren’t I?” Sonny replied, then stalled.

 

Damn it…

 

Too much.

 

Sonny had said too much.

 

Barba’s eyes got a little wider, but only for a second. Then, almost as quick as he had reacted, he settled back down and frowned a tiny little frown that made Sonny nervous.

 

“Sonny,”

 

Oh.

 

Rafael was using ‘Sonny.’

 

This was going to be serious.

 

Barba never said ‘Sonny’ unless it was serious and Barba really wanted him to pay attention. Now, Sonny knew his attention span outside of work was just a little sad, but even he was keeping up with Barba’s changes in expression and posture. Rafael was about to sock it to Sonny. Sonny gulped. Sonny had overstepped.

 

Rafael wasn’t big on affection, he hadn’t been, not unless he was the one giving it and it always made Sonny aggravated. Aggravated because Sonny wanted to touch, he wanted to feel Barba more than when they were just banging. He wanted to hold Rafael, he wanted to speak to him. He wanted to give back what Barba gave him, whether Barba realized he was doing it…well Sonny hadn’t figured that part out yet. Regardless of that, Rafael was good to Sonny. Carisi had noticed the tiny things Barba did for him, like how there were always two cups of steaming coffee in the morning whenever Sonny stayed over, how Barba always made enough for two when they ate, then a little more, because Sonny ate a lot. How after they had sex Barba would loaf on Sonny, rest almost completely on top of him and run his fingers through Sonny’s thick blond hair and sigh happily.

 

Sonny wanted to return what he got, he wanted to be good to Barba to.

 

But Rafael made it hard.

 

Sonny wasn’t sure what he could do and he didn’t want to overstep and ruin everything.

 

Except now he had.

 

Sonny had overstepped and now he didn’t know what to do.

 

Sonny didn’t know how to make it better.

 

Rafael was still looking at Sonny and Carisi swallowed a little. Maybe if he hurried up and apologized he could salvage this before Barba told him to get out.

 

“Sorry, I di-“

 

“Why me?”

 

That took Sonny by surprise.

 

“What?” Was all Sonny could manage.

 

Rafael was looking at him hard, his green eyes distrustful and pleading.

 

“Why me?” Rafael said again. “Why have you picked me to care about?”

 

 _Well_ …

 

Sonny wasn’t expecting that.

 

Sonny had never heard such a personal question from Barba before, in all the two years he had known him, and the last eight months he had been sleeping with him, he had never heard Barba question their situation. Sonny refused to call it a relationship because he knew as soon as he did, Barba would tell him to fuck off. But Carisi stalled to think about the question, and he wondered himself, for a moment, why exactly he had picked Barba.

 

Sonny’s mental list of why he picked Barba.

 

Reason number One- Barba was hot.

 

Reason number Two- Barba was sassy and Sonny liked it.

 

Reason number Three- Barba was a good guy with a good heart, Sonny liked that to.

 

Reason number Four- Because Barba was Barba, and Sonny liked that the most.

 

Reason number Five-……

 

Sonny smiled again and figured what the hell, they were in dangerous territory and Sonny wasn’t well known for proceeding with caution.

 

“Because you saw me when I was invisible.” Sonny whispered gently.

 

The way Rafael cocked his head kind of reminded Sonny of a confused as hell puppy. It was pretty freaking adorable. Sonny chuckled and walked around the counter, stalling a foot or so away from Barba.

 

“You saw me when everyone else looked over me. I was new to the SVU, literally no one liked me, and I had never felt so alone and so out of place.”

 

Rafael watched him with widening green eyes.

 

“But then, then you pranced into the office and looked right at me and then proceeded to reject every word I said when it came to law.”

 

Sonny chuckled and Barba continued to stare at him, his mouth slightly open and his eyes wide.

 

After a few long moments, Sonny began to worry, maybe he really had gone too far, but it was the truth. He could at least keep his pride about that. Rafael shifted and then leaned against the counter, looking aggravated.

 

Uh-oh.

 

“I do not _prance_.” Barba sneered.

 

Sonny laughed a full-bodied laugh and while Rafael fought hard against it, he smiled with Sonny. Carisi caught his breath and then leaned down, cupping Rafael’s smiling face in his hands and kissing him deeply. When he broke away Sonny smiled down and whispered softly into Barba’s ear.

 

“You do to prance.”

 

Sonny ducked the slap that was aimed at his head with an evil chuckle, Rafael himself trying, and failing, to hide his own grin.


	4. Onlooker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia knew from day one. She had watched as a onlooker ever since.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I've returned from the inactive dead. I forgot how difficult Barisi can be to write.  
> Here's a chapter about Olivia knowing, watching, and finally acting on the relationship between Barba and Sonny.  
> Please forgive anything I've missed as far as errors go.

At first it was the looks.

 

It was the looks neither of them thought anyone else saw.

 

But she saw them.

 

She saw them from day one and had watched on ever since.

 

Benson saw how Rafael’s eyes would lighten and lose their sharpness, that unsettling chill that always churned deep below those liquid pools of green would suddenly warm upon the sight of Sonny. The ever-present harsh frown that played at his lips would loosen and something much more gentle would take its place, would ease his unwelcoming demeanor that intimidated so many people. Benson would watch as Barba relaxed, perhaps it was the only time she had ever seen him truly at ease, the only time she had seen his shoulders slump and his muscle untense. It never failed to amaze her at what Sonny could do to Rafael, that he, and he alone could make the lawyer feel so safe that he would let his guard down.

 

Benson had seen from day one what Sonny could do to Rafael.

 

She also saw what Rafael could do to Sonny.

 

She would see the grief disappear from Carisi’s eyes whenever they landed on Barba. The bright blue orbs glowing with a happiness Olivia herself didn’t realize she had never experienced…not until Noah. More amazing was that the darkness that stalked and crept just around Sonny, always nipping at his heels and forcing him to run, dodge and second guess and stumble over his every action would suddenly ease. A brightness would return and cast away those evil shadows that haunted the younger man. She would see Carisi’s smile become something more genuine, more rare and precious than anything that had come before. A brave man would become so much braver in such short seconds that Benson always found herself choked, her heart overfilled with emotion toward the sight that would unfold before her.

 

What Olivia saw happen when Sonny and Rafael looked at each other, even if it was just for the briefest of moments, shocked her. It took her breath away and she would feel so suddenly guilty for witnessing something she knew she was not supposed to be privy to. Seeing them laid out so bare and with such raw emotion made her wonder if she would ever find anything close to that amount of affection, that amount of praise and love.

 

She wondered and absently thought no.

 

No.

 

What Rafael and Carisi had was something so rare and special and both men had been so beaten and scarred that what had formed between them was one of a kind.

 

No.

 

No…Olivia didn’t think she would ever be able to find something akin to what Rafael and Sonny had.

 

Then, after the looks, it was the run ins.

 

One sided of course.

 

Benson had seen them in the park on day, it was raining and cold and an awful day to be out. However, she knew Barba liked the rain but she didn’t know that Sonny knew he loved it. She had been hurrying down the sidewalk when she had glanced and spotted them walking in time, Carisi holding a wide umbrella over them as they strolled, Barba’s face content and his arm linked lazily around Sonny’s. Sonny was blabbing about something, something silly she could tell because she saw Barba laugh.

 

Barba never laughed.

 

Chuckle, yes.

 

Sneer, _yes_.

 

Laugh a full-bodied laugh that made his eyes crinkle and his cheeks redden and his voice echo, no.

 

She had been tempted to speak to them, to question them, but when she saw Barba stop and hold out a hand, catching the fat, chilly drops of water in his palm…she stalled.

 

She stopped fully and waited and watched.

 

Mesmerized.

 

She had watched as Sonny watched, both looking at Rafael, at his thoughtful face and how he opened and closed his hand against the down pour. Olivia then decided not to make herself known as Carisi dropped their only shield against the rain, both men becoming quickly soaked. She watched with her heart in her throat as Sonny pulled the smaller man to him, enclosing his long fingers around Rafael’s grasping hand and then bending low.

 

Olivia had suddenly felt so guilty about seeing such a gentle moment, guilty when she saw how Sonny used his free hand to guide Barba’s face close and kiss him long and deep.

 

She had felt so guilty and had turned then and immediately walked away. It wasn’t her right to see that.

 

On another day, late in the evening, she had been walking back to her apartment and stalled when she came by a small restaurant. She and Barba had grabbed quick lunches and very late dinners there, had had regular bull sessions on law and cases and life while sipping coffee and eating fresh meals. She smiled upon remembering the hectic mid-days and late nights. As she looked in the small shop, she squinted her eyes at the familiar sight of Sonny and she saw Rafael across from him, laughing and smiling and stealing food off of Sonny’s plate while the other shook his head in amused exasperation. She had seen Carisi’s shoulder’s shake in laughter and upon looking closer she saw Rafael reach over and gently grab Sonny’s hand, squeezing it softly and smiling at him.

 

Smiling kindly, warmly, lovingly.

 

Sonny’s smile then became something much more tender, much more kind from an already kind person.

 

Sonny squeezed back.

 

Olivia had smiled gently and continued on her way.

 

She had seen them again at Barba’s office, Carman had left for the day and rightly so. The case had broken everyone down and each person involved with it had been heart broken. She had gone to his office to check on Rafael, to make sure the lawyer was going to be okay, make sure he _was_ okay because after hearing the jury side with the attackers and give a not guilty verdict, she had seen in him inhale sharply, watched him suck in a strangled breath and stiffen where he stood. Their victim had been brutalized and beaten down and raped and absolutely destroyed, but money went far and this time it had gone far enough to overturn justice. She had gone to check on him and give him a shoulder to lean on, like so many times before, but as she approached Barba’s office she heard a familiar voice.

 

One that wasn’t Rafael.

 

At first she had thought it was some last minute business he was dealing with, however upon coming closer to the dark office and peeking inside she stalled. She stalled and swallowed hard and looked on as Sonny held Rafael, tucking him away against him and kissing the top of his head. His blue eyes sad and dark, his face set and grim.

 

“It wasn’t your fault Rafi,” She heard Sonny say softly.

 

A strangled sob was the only response Carisi got back as Rafael gripped tighter to him.

 

Desperately to him.

 

Olivia immediately turned and walked away. She would not bare witness to this.

 

She had no right.

 

Olivia saw them now.

 

Sonny and Rafael also saw Olivia.

 

Olivia also saw their fear now.

 

She saw the raw fear that shined in both men’s eyes as they stared at her, Sonny’s hand still lingering on Rafael’s face, Barba still holding onto Sonny’s jacket, the grip now white knuckled and unsteady. She watched as Barba swallowed hard and Sonny copied him, shifting on his tall legs for a few seconds. Barba was frozen, staring at her like she had sprouted a second head.

 

She also noticed how, when Sonny had moved, shifting his legs, he had put more of himself toward Olivia. Barba now almost tucked away from her. She had looked closely at her detective, catching a look in his bright blue eyes that held not only fear, but protection. It was an unsettling mix and Olivia mused as to why Sonny would ever feel the need to protect Rafael from her.

 

Olivia watched them for a moment longer, cocking her head and narrowing her eyes as she leaned against the locker room door.

 

She could be a friend, or a superior.

 

Now she not only had the right to see, but also a duty to acknowledge this as a supervisor.

 

She could nurture them, offer them the words of comfort and approval that had she wanted to ever since their first long look, since that first long look between them that had led to small dinners on a warm night and chilly, rainy day walks in the park.  Liv knew however, it would be inappropriate considering what she had just walked in on. Olivia also knew she could kill them, she could tear them down, rip them apart and kill this beautiful creation of love and respect that had grown between both men.

 

She could abuse her power and dictate on who, while under her authority, could love someone, and who could not.

 

On where someone could show love, and where they could not.

 

She could say ‘No’ and in one act, destroy two lives with just one word.

 

She could nurture or kill them.

 

Or…..

 

Or she could do a bit of both.

 

Smiling a small smirk, she nodded and at the genuine smile from her, Barba released a breath of air that made him weak in the knees and lightheaded enough that he gripped onto Sonny tighter. Sonny…well Sonny still looked like he was dying inside.

 

“When you two are ready, come to me to file the papers for disclosure. No ifs, ands, or buts. You file them, or we’re going to need to have a long conversation about this.” She said, her voice was stern, offering no room for argument.

 

However, it also held an affectionate tone which promised care, not punishment. It offered understanding, but not giving the option for misuse.

 

“Until then, make sure _this_ ,” She gestured toward both with a raised eyebrow. “Doesn’t happen again. I don’t need a case starting here at work because someone walks in on you two and files workers comp for emotional trauma.”  

 

At Rafael’s wide eyes and slack jaw, and Sonny’s beet red face, Olivia turned around and walked away, the smile on her face growing.

 

Yeah….both worked.

 

Killing _and_ nurturing them, that would do just fine.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not overly fond of this piece, but it was okay to do to get used to writing about these fellas again.  
> Thank you for reading the mindless dribble that pours from my brain.  
> Hopefully I'll be writing good Barisi again soon.


	5. Right Here, Right Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny during a hot night with lost thoughts and Rafael for company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might be on my way to writing good stuff again, but not yet.  
> This is unedited work, please forgive any errors I've missed. I apologize.

It was hot, too hot, and Sonny was sick of it. His neighbors were fighting again, about what, or who, or why, he didn't know. He knew they would fight like this all night and normally he would say something, try to quieten them down. Make them quiet so he could try and sleep, even though his sleep would be littered with nightmares that would end up keeping him up anyway. He would turn a light on to keep the blackness from creeping up and into his bed, to keep it from crawling and slithering in around him, from taking him.

 

He would quiet his neighbors, turn off the light, and normally, he’d try to go to sleep.

 

He would dream.

 

Normally, he wouldn’t dream pleasant things.

 

But tonight, he would succumb to his fear and he would turn on a light and leave it on and not try to sleep. Carisi couldn't fight the blackness in the darkness of night. He wasn't that strong, he wasn't that brave. He knew he would see faces, see bodies, see dead eyes watching him too closely and blood that shined too brightly.

 

He would see victims he hadn’t thought about in a long time.

 

It made him feel selfish and cold, made him feel like a villain when he didn’t think about the victims he has seen, dead or otherwise. But if he thought about them…he couldn’t stop thinking about them, his mind would start to race and then he would never be able to sleep.

 

He was hot, it was hot, in the apartment, and the body next to him was wasn't helping, however Sonny didn't pull away. He didn't move the covers, didn't fight the heat that was burning him alive, that was eating away at his body and creeping under his skin and into his bones. Instead he pulled the body closer, wanting to chase away the chill of that frigid emptiness which was creeping through his body. That chill crawling down his spine and seeping throughout his veins like a damn poison that left him shaking and weak.

 

Carisi sighed and Rafael hummed gently.

 

A breath, a puff of air, warm but not hot, and sweet.

 

A gentle swish of air that danced over his skin.

 

Rafael looked up to him, his eyes locking with Sonny's, shining green staring down to glowing blue. Sonny watched those green eyes, watched the fight inside them, the emotions swirling and the raw fear that had taken refuge there and was wallowing, ready to overflow.

 

Rafael was scared.

 

Rafael was upset.

 

Rafael was trying to cope.

 

Trying to cope for Sonny, but Sonny wasn’t coping.

 

Sonny held the lawyer closer, Barba sighed again. He gripped tightly, gripped like Sonny would disappear, like Sonny would disappear even though he couldn’t go anywhere. Carisi didn’t blink when the neighbors yelled louder, something about cheating, about whores, something about other things that Sonny didn’t care about. Right now all Sonny cared about was Rafael and his hot body and warm, sweet breath tickling its way across his neck. All Sonny cared about right now was the fact Barba was with him, pulled so close that their bodies had almost become one, almost indiscernible from each other. There was an arm draped across a middle, legs tangled together in a mess of sheets and feet. A head rested against a chest and a hand ran through a head of hair. Carisi was no longer able to tell himself from the lawyer, unable to identify which hand belonged to who, which breath came from whose mouth. It was intoxicating and Sonny’s head was spinning with the feeling.

 

Spinning with the feeling of warmth.

 

Spinning with the feeling of being alive.

 

Not reeling with the feeling of despair.

 

It was right now, right here, in Sonny’s too hot apartment and his too loud neighbors and Dominick was sweating too much despite how freaking cold it was outside. His skin was slick and he bit his lip hard when he felt a hot tongue slid across his flesh, lapping and licking. Sonny signed softly and Rafael moved, shifted and ran his tongue up and to the detective’s mouth. Sonny slipped his fingers behind Barba’s neck and traced his fingers through the damp black hair. He pulled Rafael down and kissed him gently, softly at first and then roughly. A hunger seeping into the action that seemed to starve both men, despite the gluttonous length of the kiss. Rafael shifted again and crawled up on top of Sonny, his smaller body fitting perfectly atop Carisi’s long, slender frame. They fit together perfectly, they were perfect together.

 

Sonny wanted to help.

 

Sonny wanted to help Rafael while Rafael was helping him.

 

Sonny thinks Rafael wants him to help.

 

Sonny wants to fix Rafael’s broken heart and wants Rafael to fix his.

 

They were both so broken, too many cases and too much loss. They both felt they had let so many people down and neither knew how to cope with it. Barba would cope with Scotch, Sonny would cope with Rafael. Alcohol tamed Barba’s demons and Rafael tamed Sonny’s.

 

Sonny likes to think he helps Barba cope as much as the alcohol does.

 

Sonny likes to think he is enough for Rafael.

 

They had become so reliant on each other within the last year that now neither could function without the other. They needed each other as much as they needed air. They needed each other because they were the only two who knew how the other felt, who knew just how much the other was breaking. It was a dark and twisted thing they had let form between them, however over time it had started growing into something softer, into something more gentle and more human.

 

It was no longer just raw need and lust.

 

Now there was real emotion there too, there were feelings, acknowledgment and care.

 

Barba drank less now and relied on Sonny more.

 

Sonny was okay with that.

 

A loud yell from his neighbors brought Carisi out of his thoughts and he felt as hands ghosted, then raked across his flushed skin. It was so viciously gentle yet savage in its confusion Sonny could only lay there and return the gestures as best as his trembling hands would allow. Cupping Rafael’s face in his long hands he gazed into blazing green eyes that searched deep into his own blistering blue.

 

They were both breaking and desperately trying to seal the cracks with the others affection, the others interest, their physical contact…. their love.

 

Love.

 

Sonny thought of that word often.

 

But only when he thought of Rafael.

 

Sonny thought of Rafael every day, he thought of him when he was at work or home, or when he was broken and upset and defeated. He thought of him right now, when they were laying together and both were too hot and both were exhausted, physically and mentally, and both were just so hot and shaking and so fucking scared. Carisi often thought of Rafael and their relationship. He thought of how hard it would be when Barba heard the call, not the call from Sonny that Barba always got saying that Dominick was okay and headed home. Not the call that would fall quiet as Rafael would nonchalantly say Carisi should stop by and visit for a bit. No, it would be the call from Benson, the one where she would say Sonny had been lost in the line of duty, how he had died bravely and died doing his job. How Benson didn’t realize that she was giving Barba news that he worried about hearing every day Sonny went to work. Sonny thought of how much his heart ached when he realized that he wouldn’t get to love Rafael anymore.

 

Sonny loved Rafael.

 

Love.

 

Sometimes Sonny thinks Rafael loves him to.

 

Rafael doesn’t love a lot of things.

 

But Sonny thinks Rafael may just love him to.

_Love_ …Sonny dared not to say that word. It was poison and he refused to do or say anything that could jeopardize this…whatever this relationship was between himself and Barba. The lawyer was beautiful and elegant and wonderful. But in all of his splendor, and at times bullheaded bravery, he was also skittish, easily spooked by an overly affectionate word or touch, staggering away as if struck. Hissing darkly as if burned, shying away as if expecting reprimand.

 

Dominick breathed in deeply as Rafael trust against him elegantly, a work of art in motion as Barba threw his head back, his shoulders loose and his thighs tight against Carisi’s middle. His fingers dug into Carisi’s chest and his nails left angry red marks down the pale, scarred flesh, the sting making Sonny growl low inside his throat. It wasn’t like the sting from a blistering cold pistol or a sharp, hot knife. It was warm and fresh and Rafael huffed and repeated the motion, flexing his hips and grinding harder, their cocks rubbing together through their boxers and Sonny arched. His hands shot back up and clawed down Rafael’s sides, stopping at those teasing hips and digging in roughly. Barba moaned pitifully, shaking under the hands as a pleasured chill ran up his spine and began to chase away the cold that seemed to have settled inside them both. He rutted harder and Sonny sucked in a breath.

 

“You’re beautiful…” Sonny whispered while moving a hand up to the back of Barba’s neck.

 

He grinned at Rafael’s wide innocent eyes and pulled the smaller man down, kissing him hard. Rafael moaned and melted against him and he let out a pitiful sound that went straight to Carisi’s dick. Sonny hummed low and licked against a warm ear, bit at the lobe and tugged, knowing he’d nipped hard enough to bruise.

 

But it was okay, because right here, right now, it was just Sonny and Barba and the yelling neighbors who would soon get a noise complaint for being too loud. It was just here and now and Sonny was too hot and sweaty and he was urging Rafael to grind faster, gripping his hips painfully tight and setting the rhythm for Barba. They moaned and cried like teenagers fucking for the first time and it would have been silly if both hadn’t been lost already to the pleasure. Their minds muddled and actions becoming more and more frantic as they both came closer and closer to the edge. Sonny growled low in his throat and he felt his body start to tighten, so close to climax and yet holding back until he could see Rafael lose himself first.

 

The other was beautiful above him. His bright green eyes glazed over with arousal and need and so much want and love that Sonny could almost cry. The lawyer’s desperate gaze was matched only by his sweat slicked body that shinned just so against the meek light in the apartment and the soft, tantalizing sounds that slipped from his parted lips made Carisi buck up against him that much harder.

 

He was the embodiment of want.

 

Of need.

 

The sound that ripped itself from Rafael’s throat a few moments later as he came hard and locked up over top of Carisi sent Sonny over the edge. He came hard in his boxers, like a damn virgin getting his first dry hump, and he wrapped his arms around the smaller man. He breathed hard and Rafael trembled against him as he slowly came down from his climax, relaxing on top of Sonny and fitting so perfectly against him that Carisi refused to let him move. It was still too hot in the apartment, despite being so damn cold outside, and Sonny was practically soaked with sweat now. He and Barba were both wet and tired and too hot and getting tired of hearing the neighbors yelling about which one had cheated with who.

 

But right here and right now Sonny didn’t want anything else other than this. Sonny didn't want anything else other than Barba whispering sweet nothings while nestled atop him and Sonny running his hands through the dark hair. Sonny wanted nothing more as he smiled and pulled Barba closer still, causing the stifling heat to become so much worse. Sonny wanted nothing more than both of them laying together in the mess their ridiculous dry humping had caused while Sonny made a stupid joke about it and Barba barked out a laugh.

 

Right here and right now Sonny was happy and the darkness he had come to fear every night had been chased away this evening, it had been pushed back and no bodies, no victims, no blood or death or cries had crawled into his mind and over taken it. Tonight, it was just himself, his too loud neighbors, too much heat, and Barba.

 

 And this was all Sonny wanted.

 

All Sonny needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For reading through the mindless dribble I produce, thank you.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, thanks for reading the madness that comes from my tiny little brain.


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